Since I had children

When I was in high school we learned in biology something that went like, “Nature makes babies cute so their mothers don’t eat them.”  Such a charming idea, I used to think, definitely agreeing that something would have to come into play to sustain the species.

Now I see that there is definitely a change in me since I had kids.  I was never a woman who went, “Awwww, can I hold him?” when people had a new baby.  I never ever babysat (unless it happened without me really realizing it, which, now that I think about it, did happen).  I had a thing for cats, certainly, but kids…? Not really.  I could identify with them but feel an urge to take care of them?  Nooo…

But after I had kids there was definitely something there.

A WHOLE NEW AREA OF PARANOIA!!

They’re going to fall down the stairs.  They’re going to swallow something.  They’re going to run off in traffic and get hit by a car being driven by a sex offender.

Did you notice they issue warnings about cutting up grapes for kids but never tell you when you can stop?  I really would like to know.  When can I stop cutting up grapes??  Is there a crucial line where my kid will suddenly be SO UNCOOL because I’m still cutting up their grapes?  Anyway, I hate cutting up grapes.  Also, I read that you’re not supposed to let toddlers near toilets on their own because they can drown.  That’s why they sell toilet locks.  It’s not just for really cruel practical jokes.  I don’t let them go to the bathroom on their own in the middle of the night because of this.  (The drowning part, not as a practical joke.)  I make everyone walk in front of them when they go down the stairs just in case they have to be caught.

The thought of them getting hurt or someone taking them stabs me in the gut in a completely visceral reaction.  The voiceover of the nature film that says “In the wild, babies never survive the death of their mother” and the accompanying video of the orphan clutching the dead body of its mother as it stares into the camera freaks me out completely.   (Nevermind that I sometimes envy the mother).  It never bothered me before.  I swear.

So, is this the mothering instinct?  Not quite.  But I would probably defend them to the death if I don’t eat them first.